Listening is the key to organizing success

Reading time – 10 minutes

One of the questions I am frequently asked is how do I get my partner to get organized? Their stuff is all over the place and when I organize it for them, they don’t appreciate it. There are many answers to this question, in this blog we are going to discuss active listening.  On any organizing job, success comes from listening to what the clients want to accomplish and how they feel about their stuff.

Listening in Your Relationship

Are you struggling in your current relationship? If so one of the reasons could be because you do not listen to what your partner is saying. You may be in the habit of closing your ears the minute they start complaining about something.

If you truly want to improve your relationship and have it last for years to come, developing your listening skills is one good way to achieve this. As you listen more you will find that in your relationship it will easier to work together to solve problems.

At some point in most relationships there comes a point when you think you know each other well enough. This is when you may start taking each other for granted. You only half listen when they start talking about certain things.

Listening also includes paying attention to things like body language, sometimes words don’t convey true feelings. Remember the saying “actions speak louder than words?”

It isn’t hard to become a better listener. Just make up your mind that you are going to do just this. Then the next time you have a conversation with your partner, summarize what they have said, and repeat it back to them. This will show them that you have actually been paying attention.

Repeating parts of the conversation will also help them identify with what they have just said. If they were trying to explain a certain situation and you misread it, this will become clear to them. It gives them the chance to try and explain things in a different way. This brings up another issue. It may not be that you weren’t listening, it could be that the problem wasn’t explained clearly.

As we age our relationships change, this is because we mature and we physically change. You may find that as you hit the 50+ age group you now have to deal with health issues. These issues can affect your relationship. You may not be able to do certain activities together anymore.  Instead of seeing this as a disadvantage look for alternatives

Whether you are organizing your stuff combining homes or downsizing listening to your partner is the key to success.

The Three Types of Listening

Did you know that there are three types of listening skills that people use on a regular basis?

Informal Listening

The first one is referred to as Informal Listening. This is the method that we use to get all of our facts and figures. This method uses questions and answers and depends on the person listening to have understood the question in the first place.

When you ask your partner questions about organizing, letting go of things and donating items do you get good information or does your partner avoid answering?

In order for you to get the correct information the person must give you the right response. While this sounds simple enough questions can be answered incorrectly. This can be for various reasons. The person may have not listened to your question correctly. Or there might be a barrier such as language terminology or a hearing problem.  Does your partner need hearing aids?

Active Listening

The next type of listening is known as Active Listening. This involves the person who is listening. They have to show interest in the conversation and respond appropriately.

Even if you don’t verbally respond, it is common courtesy to nod your head and show some type of emotion which indicates that you are paying attention. Another way to show that you have listened is to summarize what the person has said and say it back to them.

This type of listening takes more attention and commitment to the relationship.  Both people need to actively listen to the questions and the answers so they can set a goal that they both agree on. One partner may want to organize the basement while the other partner may not because there are too many sentimental items stored there and it would be hard to let go of things. Using good listening skills they agree to start in an area that is easy for both of them to start decluttering.

Intuitive Listening

The third type of listening is referred to as Intuitive Listening. This is regarded as a high level of listening. It takes a lot of concentration to listen at this level.

When someone is listening intuitively they are listening to the words as well as watching the actions of the person. This is the type of listening where the speaker’s emotions often show through. You can tell if they are frustrated or thrilled by the topic. What type of reaction do you see when you start talking about decluttering and organizing? Does their face go red, do they get angry or they may start to cry because the topic affects them so much?

The next time you are listening to someone speak see if you can identify the three different types of listening. When you can listen at the Intuitive level then you will be regarded as a great listener.

The Top Five Traits of a Good Listener

If you want to become a good listener there are certain traits and skills you will need to learn. Listening is can improve all areas of your life. People love to talk and are always looking for someone to listen to them.

1. When listening to your partner your goal should be to understand their point of view. Listen to everything they say before forming your own opinion, and remember that you do not necessarily have to agree with them. Everyone deserves and should form, their own opinions on various topics.
2. Paying attention is the next trait. If you don’t pay attention you will miss out on important information. Always be aware of what is going on with your partner and don’t forget to pay attention to your surroundings.
3. The action of making eye contact with your partner who is speaking shows them that you are paying attention. If you start looking around you, you are giving them the impression that you are not interested, or have become bored.
4. Try to look at their point of view and ask yourself if they might be right.
5. Allow the person to finish talking. This often takes a little patience, it can be helpful for both sides. First the person talking can vent their opinions or frustrations. Secondly it helps the listener to fully understand the issue at hand.

A good listener will also think before responding back. Again they often ask what if your partner is correct in their way of thinking? People have the bad trait of speaking before thinking and this can lead to all kinds of awkward or difficult situations.

It is perfectly normal for your brain to want to respond quickly, stop yourself and think before you speak!

Sometimes it can be hard to stay focused on your partner, it is normal to want to look away. If you find yourself doing this try nodding or making direct eye contact with them. This signals to them that you are paying attention. 

Other tips that you might want to use to show that you are paying attention include:

• Saying their name /nickname now and again
• Using facial expressions
• Using body language

If you make an effort to put these five traits into play consistently, you will become a much better listener for it.

What Makes a Person a Good Listener?

Being a good listener is a skill that is necessary in all areas of your life. From your family life, at work, and while out at social events. It is important to really hear what someone is saying to you, and then making an appropriate response. Here are some great tips for helping you become a good listener.

1. Show that you are paying attention to someone, don’t fidget.
2. Concentrate on what the person is saying, don’t start thinking about what your kids are doing. Or what stops you have to make on your way home.
3. Do not multitask!
4. Ask questions but don’t interrupt. This shows that you are listening and that you have genuine concerns.
5. Summarize the person’s concern back to them. This helps show that first you did listen, and second that you have understood them correctly.
6. Pay attention to the person’s body language, as this can display their true emotions to you.
7. Let the person finish speaking before saying anything.
8. When replying take a pause and then speak. This shows that you are thinking about what you are going to say to them.
9. Practise your listening skills. Listen to a tape and then summarize or repeat what you have just heard.
10. Always be sympathetic when replying to your partner. Their concerns are very real and important to them, even if you think the issue isn’t as huge as they do.

When you concentrate on your partner when they are speaking you will find that you pick up more details. You may hear tremors in their voice, or notice that their hands are trembling or shaking. You will hear their anger and frustrations. All of these signals often speak much louder than actual words. So pay attention and you will notice these things.

Quite often when your partner is looking for someone to listen, they are just looking for an open ear. You don’t necessarily have to agree with their point of view, but it helps to show that you understand their fears and concerns.

Don’t forget that you have two ears and only one mouth, so you should listen twice as much as you speak! These words of wisdom have been around for a very long time, for a good reason.

So the next time your partner is looking for an ear, offer yours. Really listen to what they are saying, and reply by summarizing what they have said back to them. By doing this you are well on your way to becoming a great listener.

I think I have covered the topic of listening to your partner so you can discuss how to declutter and organize.  Have I left anything out?  Let me know in the comments. 

Julie Stobbe is the 2024-2025 winner of the Harold Taylor Award for outstanding contributions to the organizing industry and Professional Organizers in Canada. As a Trained Professional Organizer and Lifestyle Organizing Coach, she brings happiness to homes and organization to offices, coaching you virtually using Zoom. She has been working with clients since 2006 to provide customized organizing solutions to suit their individual needs and situations. She uses her love of teaching to reduce clutter, in your home, office, mind and time. She guides, mentors and supports you to be accountable for your time, to complete projects and to reach your goals. If you’re in a difficult transition Julie can coach you to break-free of emotional clutter constraining you from living life on your terms. Online courses are available to help instruct, coach and support your organizing projects. Get started by downloading Tips for Reorganizing 9 Rooms.

Contact her at julie@mindoverclutter.ca

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